Risks
by entre-lagrimas-y-suspiros
Summary: J/T Episode addition to 'Extreme Risks'. B'elanna sorts out some residual feelings, and comes to a new understanding about herself and the Captain. Femeslash!


B'elanna still felt strange. What she had said to Chakotay still held true, despite having smiled at the banana pancakes and Neelix's thoughtfulness, she didn't know if she was fully herself yet. She had thought about it all night, but she couldn't figure it out.

She definitely felt better than she had in months, and she certainly didn't feel the need to process things by putting herself in danger. However, she still felt off balance.

"There you are. I've been looking all over for you."

She looked up as Tom took a seat. "I've been catching up on work," she said waving the pad she held, "things pile up quickly."

"Yeah, talking about catching up I thought we could have lunch together."

She smiled at him feeling sheepish, "Sorry I already ate. Actually I need to get back to Engineering."

"How about dinner, then?" He gave her his best flyboy smile, the type that used to make her weak at the knees. Now, however, she felt nothing. Her lack of feelings where Tom was concern had been part of the reason she had stayed up half the night. She regained her feeling of warm friendship towards Chakotay and she let herself grieve for the fallen Maquis, but she still felt nothing towards Tom.

"Sorry," she told him and walked out of the mess hall. She was glad to feel guilty at hurting his feelings, that at least it was progress.

She passed the day catching up in Engineering. She spent the shift running diagnostic after diagnostic, trying to make sure her engines had survived her two days away undamaged. After making sure everything was shipshape she retreated exhausted to her quarters. She hadn't even bothered with getting dinner from the mess hall.

She had just replicated a dinner when her door chimed, "Come in."

B'elanna almost burned herself picking up the plate when she saw her visitor, "Captain."

"B'elanna," the Captain's tone was worried, "is this a bad time?"

She spoke in the same hushed voice she had used in sickbay the day B'elanna took things a step too far on the holodeck. The Captain's tone and touch had been the first things she had felt since Chakotay told her about the Maquis being massacred. B'elanna's chin tingled at the memory of that touch.

She noticed the Captain was still standing just inside the door waiting for her response. "No, Captain, I was just about to have dinner." She noticed her voice was distant and might give the Captain the wrong impression. "Would you like to join me?" She added quickly.

B'elanna had expected the Captain to decline. She was surprised when the Captain answered, "If you don't mind."

"Not at all. Please, come in. What can I get you?"

She followed the Captain's movements as she took a seat. "What are you having?"

"Banana pancakes."

It was the second night in a row she had them for dinner. She found them comforting in a strange way. She noticed the Captain's lips widen into a smile. B'elanna felt another tingle at the sight of it, but not on her skin somewhere much deeper than that.

"Pancakes? For dinner?" For a minute B'elanna thought the Captain might burst out laughing.

"My grandmother's recipe." B'elanna affirmed full of pride.

"I'd love some," the Captain said in an amused voice.

"One plate of banana pancakes with syrup coming right up."

She told the replicator her order then took both plates to the table. "Here you are." B'elanna sat and took a bite and waited for the Captain to do the same. "So, what do you think?"

"Delicious," the Captain said smiling again. She paused a minute then asked the question B'elanna had known was coming since the Captain had stepped in the room, "How are you feeling?"

B'elanna took another bite to gain time. She didn't know how to answer. She was feeling things she hadn't felt before, and she had also lost feelings that had guided her life for years. She was beginning to suspect that her romantic feelings for Tom wouldn't return. "Honestly? I'm better. I might not be back to my old self but then maybe I might never go back. I'm starting to think that isn't such a bad thing."

"How so?"

"Aren't we shaped by our experiences? Doesn't the very nature of life mean we are changed by every experience?"

"I believe so, but that wasn't my question. I don't care if you're back to normal or not. What I care about is if you are feeling all right?" The Captain had put her fork down and reached across to grasp B'elanna's hand.

The tingly feeling was back. This time is spread from her hand and traveled to warm her whole body. B'elanna was beginning to think the _tingle_ was one of those new feelings that would stay with her and fill the void old feeling that she had left behind. It might turn out to be a new way to guide her actions by, and it was all directly related to the woman seated beside her. The realization should have shocked her, but she found it reassuring.

"Yes."

"Good, I was worried about you."

The words were said casually and yet B'elanna felt the tingly feeling intensify to the point she felt as if her lungs weren't getting enough oxygen. She had felt like that years before with Tom, though then it had been more literal. She had taken the risks then, but she had also known that Tom felt the same way, now she didn't know what the Captain felt or thought. She was more inclined to think she was just another member of the crew as far as the Captain was concerned, yet she couldn't stop thinking about it.

"Thank you."

"You're welcome, but I wasn't just saying so to be nice. I was genuinely worried and afraid."

That surprised B'elanna. She doubted the word 'afraid' had ever left Captain's lips before. "Afraid?"

"Yes," the Captain said squeezing her hand tighter and running her thumb over B'elanna knuckles, "afraid you'd hurt yourself…afraid I'd lose you."

B'elanna took a deep breath. The Captain had said 'I'd lose you' not 'we'. That would mean it had been a personal fear of Kathryn Janeway for her instead of the Captain's fear for a crewman. It was a tough thought to swallow down. B'elanna went from feeling close to nothing to being overwhelmed with feelings for the woman.

She took the risk before she could talk herself out of it. "You don't need to be, you wouldn't lose me, Kathryn." The name fell from her lips as if she had said it a million times before, but she had never said it and she knew it was a risk. When she saw the look on Kathryn's face she was glad she had done it. The smile that graced Kathryn's lips was so wide it reached her eyes making them appear darker and giving them a certain twinkle.

Kathryn reached out her other hand to touch B'elanna cheek softly. "You understand."

B'elanna lifted the hand that still held her own and pressed her lips to it slowly. "I understand perfectly." She watched Kathryn's face closely and smiled as she noticed Kathryn's eyes shine once more with unshed tears.

Fin.


End file.
